“It’s really scary that the VA medical center ED just let people sit there without treatment not caring.”—They probably are killing people. Totally don’t care that the pts blood pressure is 220 and ignore me when I am trying to make sure the patients get meds. The US Government at its best.
Do you ever get that feeling that you are so pale that you can’t recognize yourself. And then have a dream about tanning- except the tanning machine is a rotisserie oven sunbed?
And then you wake up early to get to a cafe to do work. and then your computer breaks right there on your one day off to get all your shit done before the black wknd? And then you cry?
“Me: “why is there a lime in the freezer?”
C: “oh. That’s my Foot Lime.”
Me: “your .. Foot… lime?”
C: I roll it under my foot as something cold and therapeutic for my plantar fasciitis.”—I’m obviously making a ridiculous face that you can’t see.
“Sometimes I look at these girls I used to go to high school with and even these girls around me and they are so beautiful and have their looks/face/hair/dress perfect.”—And I am this spotty, doubty, doughy doctor child. Is MTV still doing MADE?!
The first time I put a knife against my wrists, I was 9. It was sunny out and I remember reaching and pulling metal up off the dish rack. Still not sure how I even knew to do this sort of thing. I can’t fathom how one learns that this is “the” proper ritual.. Luckily - I must’ve not been too clever bc I used a dinner knife. Of which apparently the blade is too dull- just shallow cuts and scratch marks.
I think we all block things out. It was only last year I remembered the smashing and emptying of beer bottles in the sink- 6packs at a time. Or the occasional dumping of hot dinners into the garbage disposal. I remember watching and feeling so fucking hungry.
Honestly, it’s not even that painful to remember these things anymore. I’m sure other shit’s just waiting for a cue. Nowadays I’m more sorry I couldn’t have understood better back then. But that’s just a sentiment I think everyone gets.
I guess- we all go thru things we don’t think was fair and probably wasn’t. But - we lived it because we HAD to- and now it’s done. Truth is, I had a roof over my head- and that’s more than a lot of people get. Things usually turn out ok- or as whatever god intended.
We all inherit some kind of battle scar - some as actual lines on our skin- but all in our hearts. I’m sad bc there’s been a lot of tragic news lately- and it’s shit that anyone ever has to feel that alone.
I know I joke most of the time.. But- I just want to say to anyone staring at the wall, feeling that clench in their soul … Please. Cuddle up tonight will ya? Wait a little longer. I can only tell you- this moment will pass. And so will the next one. They all do.
“On that note, I am really upset that Neiman Marcus voided my in-store order on those Chanel Espadrilles without telling me.”—I cannot confirm or deny that saving the money is probably the best thing.
But. I won’t deny that I AM upset abt it.
“Sometimes I am just so jealous of my friends that probably will never have to work for money and can live happily ever after in their pool of luxury export handbags.”—But,… I guess if I wanted to feel like a total piece of a leech- I could do the same.